When will it end

Boy this is gonna be a long one I don't know where to start. So I guess the beginning is the best  before my mind starts to rambling. Ok so I have hated my job for several years but I felt that I was good at it and it was pretty easy gig. So I just kept doing it. I didn't have to work weekends or bring work home with me to do. Straight 9 to 5 gig. I never gave much thought to really doing anything else and I guess I just got too comfortable in the position cause the position was taken away from me about a week ago.

The powers that be felt it wasn't important and downgraded the position from full time with benefits to part time no benefits. And that kinda sent my world into a tailspin cause I'm thinking OK what the fuck am i gonna do without a job. Cause part time is not gonna get my rent paid. And my safety net of a home is long gone its been 4 years since we moved from our permanent home. So I'm paying rent now. I have never been so fucking scared in all my life my anxiety and depression is turned up to 20.  Talk about sleepless nights and stomach cramps galore. I'm just so mad at myself cause i find myself in this position once again I don't plan for my future I just live in the moment and then get caught off guard. And then freak out when I don't have a plan in place for shit like this

I just hate my life right now I have no money saved my bills are over due and my future just looks fucked. I was offered another position at the same rate of pay and benefits but now with even more stress. Instead of watching kids destroy a room I get to talk to people on the phone how exciting is that. I hate people and especially hate talking on the phone.

Guess it really doesn't matter since now they are losing people in 2 different departments and cutting programming. This is gonna hurt the bottom line and visitor attendance. So I am trying to talk myself off this ledge I once again find myself on. Do I ride it out or do I jump ship. Or do I draw a line in the sand and say enough of this shit you controlled me too long its time to fight back.

This would be easier if I had a support network but I don't. My support network is in just as bad a shape as I am in now.Talk about misery loves company. And my business is really not going anywhere right now. Although I have a idea on how to fix that its just coming up with the energy to do it. Zero energy and zero motivation. You would think losing my job would be motivation enough. Nope I just feel so defeated.

It just never ends

Hello kiddies I am back!!! I haven't written anything in several years and I miss writing. The past 6 years have been quite interesting. But I wont get into that right now. Just wanted to get back on here and say hi to the universe that I am still around .So see you soon with a new post


Pasha

Im losing my mind

I am 43 years old and i just want to give up living. I am very tired and depressed. My life has been nothing but disappointment after disappointment. I have sabotaged so much of my life I just don't know what to do anymore. I just get so scared my worst fears seem to be coming true. Possible homelessness may be breathing down my mothers neck and i just don't know what to do any more. I am so scared I have been working nonstop for over a year to raise enough money to purchase a house and i messed that up with letting my fear get the better of me. So now there is no house to buy and the new year will come with uncertainy if she can stay were she currently lives.  i recognise now that i have been trying to do it all by myself for far too long. And now I need help I NEED HELP!!!

Its not fair to me or my mother I am only one person and I am about to burn out,. No I am burning out. I see no end to this madness the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off for me. My siblings have their lives when will I have mine. My life has been such a disappointment. I have nothing to really call my own. Fear has ruined my life. I have no boyfriend or husband and really no future prospects either. I have nothing really to call my own except a head of hair thats falling out due to stress, Chest pain eye strain and a host of other aches and pains. I finally admit I am depressed.

There is so much I want to tell my family but I am so afraid they will reject me and not help. They are all I have  I dont have a big support network. I am just so scared i justwant a life like everybody else I dont want to be a caregiver or keep putting my life on hold or making bad decisions  since my fear and anxiety get in the way. I just want to give up

I hate my life!!

I hate my life!!! I hate being poor and struggling for everything!!. No matter what I do its never good enough. Went to college worked all my life and I am still struggling and I cant understand why?  Why!! What am I going wrong that I cant get ahead. I treat people decent, obey the law,pay my taxes. And still its not enough. Save money the best I can but its still never enough. Just saw a post a friend is buying their child a house. A HOUSE!!! It must be so nice seems like everyone is getting houses lately and I cant. Why cant I have someplace to live as well. I am doing everything in my power and it still isn't enough. Why GOD why isn't my best good enough?

Harvester of Sorrow

A good friend of mine once said to me. " You will never have any peace until a certain person was gone from my life" And as much as I didn't want to believe what she was saying with circumstances being what they are she is absolutely right. This person I love very much but my loyalty to them has put me in the position that I am in now. I am reaping what I sowed. I am a loyal to them to the end doing everything that I can to make their life easier. All the while sacrificing the things I need to keep me healthy and sane and deluding myself that things will get better and be normal.

Nope sorry not going to happen this relationship is sucking the life force from my body and causing  me severe emotional distress. I moved into my new place and it will be one month on monday columbus day. And so far the peace that I seek still has not been found. I must, I need to cut the ties to the House of Usher of I will lose myself to the insanity and madness that surrounds it. I have needs, wants and desires that are not being met because of this insane situation. My soul is stained with the thousand lies that I tell to keep the madness going!! I am tired of lying I just want to be free I want the elusive peace I so desperately seek.

I just don't understand how someone can not see the truth that is right in front of them. The neighborhood is not what it use to be. It has gone to hell in a hand basket big time. Why would you even want to live around such filth and garbage. I just don't understand I don't want to understand. My hate is running too deep right now and is blinding rational thought. They say nice guys finish last and I truly believe it.

I mourn for those I left behind who are still dealing with the madness. Some days I wish I could just turn my back on it all and pretend it doesn't exist. But a kind heart is a great weakness and its strangling me.This has got to stop!! I have to make it stop or I will drown in the despair I am surrounded by.

Time to harden my heart.


Update 10/10/2014

Guess I wasn't meant to be happy. I gotta move again. I'm sick of this shit. Too funny too since its one year ago to the date I wrote this posting.

Counting down the days!!!

Well I am counting down the days till I move. And boy I cant wait tomorrow starts the official countdown 7 more days to go. and I can finally start making my business a real business since I will be able to apply for my business license and even save up to get the insurance I need. things are starting to look up a little which is always good!!!

Still no Peace

There is one thing in this world that most of humanity is craving and that is peace. I don't really mean a world peace cause we know that's virtually impossible. But a inner peace in your small space. I just come to the conclusion I will never have this inner peace that I so desperately seek unless I cut off all ties with humanity. It just seems people are just getting stupider by the minute doing things they know they have no business doing. No manners, no morals, no integrity, no self worth just nothing. I am tired of doing what I know to be right. I don't bother people I mind my own business, pay taxes, sweep my sidewalk, Dont borrow or break the law. Trust me I am no saint by the stretch of the imagination. and yet I have no peace.

This is the one thing I desperately crave above all else above riches above it all. I will be moving in a couple of weeks to a nice neighborhood with law abiding citizens who follow the mores and norms that make a society work. I will be leaving behind a neighborhood with a ghetto trash population that I cant stand (closely on the verge of hating mind you) And yet you think I would be happy beyond happy.  I am 50/50 when it comes to the happy meter. Why because I still have family in the ghetto trash neighborhood who are stuck there. So what is suppose to bring me peace my new place. Is just another fancy prison where I will worry about those I left behind. where I worry they wont be a vigilant or as some say obsessive as I was making sure to keep trouble at a healthy distance. Sure I wont have to see it everyday but it will still poison my mind when I get to do normal every day things.  I will worry when it rains hoping the basement doesn't flood.

Or if the latest shooting was anywhere near my family. Did they remember to lock the door. All sorts of things most folks take for granted in their normal peaceful lives in their decent neighborhoods. Some days i don't know why I even bother getting out of bed. Because I see no end to this nightmare unless I take it out on the folks who help create it. Then if that ever happens then I have truly gone over the edge and their is definitely no turning back from that. I may have no peace in my life but for some reason I sure do have a lot of hope. Hope that certain people will see that its time to move on. That its time to take off the rose colored glasses and acknowledge the neighborhood has gone to hell. And the only way to save it is to bulldoze it under and start fresh.


And I am a believer and that doesn't help much either. I know peace doesn't come from this world it comes my Lord  and Savior. But still its gets harder and harder to cling to that peace when you are bombarded of images of nasty ass people who don't care about anything but themselves. And people wonder why other communities hate them and don't want them living anywhere in their neighborhood.. And it pisses you off because you are not like that and you get labeled along with the trash. I love my family really I do but part of me just wants to cut off al ties and pretend they don't exist. because if I just have myself to worry about maybe then I will get that peace I so desperately want.