Harvester of Sorrow

A good friend of mine once said to me. " You will never have any peace until a certain person was gone from my life" And as much as I didn't want to believe what she was saying with circumstances being what they are she is absolutely right. This person I love very much but my loyalty to them has put me in the position that I am in now. I am reaping what I sowed. I am a loyal to them to the end doing everything that I can to make their life easier. All the while sacrificing the things I need to keep me healthy and sane and deluding myself that things will get better and be normal.

Nope sorry not going to happen this relationship is sucking the life force from my body and causing  me severe emotional distress. I moved into my new place and it will be one month on monday columbus day. And so far the peace that I seek still has not been found. I must, I need to cut the ties to the House of Usher of I will lose myself to the insanity and madness that surrounds it. I have needs, wants and desires that are not being met because of this insane situation. My soul is stained with the thousand lies that I tell to keep the madness going!! I am tired of lying I just want to be free I want the elusive peace I so desperately seek.

I just don't understand how someone can not see the truth that is right in front of them. The neighborhood is not what it use to be. It has gone to hell in a hand basket big time. Why would you even want to live around such filth and garbage. I just don't understand I don't want to understand. My hate is running too deep right now and is blinding rational thought. They say nice guys finish last and I truly believe it.

I mourn for those I left behind who are still dealing with the madness. Some days I wish I could just turn my back on it all and pretend it doesn't exist. But a kind heart is a great weakness and its strangling me.This has got to stop!! I have to make it stop or I will drown in the despair I am surrounded by.

Time to harden my heart.


Update 10/10/2014

Guess I wasn't meant to be happy. I gotta move again. I'm sick of this shit. Too funny too since its one year ago to the date I wrote this posting.

Counting down the days!!!

Well I am counting down the days till I move. And boy I cant wait tomorrow starts the official countdown 7 more days to go. and I can finally start making my business a real business since I will be able to apply for my business license and even save up to get the insurance I need. things are starting to look up a little which is always good!!!

Still no Peace

There is one thing in this world that most of humanity is craving and that is peace. I don't really mean a world peace cause we know that's virtually impossible. But a inner peace in your small space. I just come to the conclusion I will never have this inner peace that I so desperately seek unless I cut off all ties with humanity. It just seems people are just getting stupider by the minute doing things they know they have no business doing. No manners, no morals, no integrity, no self worth just nothing. I am tired of doing what I know to be right. I don't bother people I mind my own business, pay taxes, sweep my sidewalk, Dont borrow or break the law. Trust me I am no saint by the stretch of the imagination. and yet I have no peace.

This is the one thing I desperately crave above all else above riches above it all. I will be moving in a couple of weeks to a nice neighborhood with law abiding citizens who follow the mores and norms that make a society work. I will be leaving behind a neighborhood with a ghetto trash population that I cant stand (closely on the verge of hating mind you) And yet you think I would be happy beyond happy.  I am 50/50 when it comes to the happy meter. Why because I still have family in the ghetto trash neighborhood who are stuck there. So what is suppose to bring me peace my new place. Is just another fancy prison where I will worry about those I left behind. where I worry they wont be a vigilant or as some say obsessive as I was making sure to keep trouble at a healthy distance. Sure I wont have to see it everyday but it will still poison my mind when I get to do normal every day things.  I will worry when it rains hoping the basement doesn't flood.

Or if the latest shooting was anywhere near my family. Did they remember to lock the door. All sorts of things most folks take for granted in their normal peaceful lives in their decent neighborhoods. Some days i don't know why I even bother getting out of bed. Because I see no end to this nightmare unless I take it out on the folks who help create it. Then if that ever happens then I have truly gone over the edge and their is definitely no turning back from that. I may have no peace in my life but for some reason I sure do have a lot of hope. Hope that certain people will see that its time to move on. That its time to take off the rose colored glasses and acknowledge the neighborhood has gone to hell. And the only way to save it is to bulldoze it under and start fresh.


And I am a believer and that doesn't help much either. I know peace doesn't come from this world it comes my Lord  and Savior. But still its gets harder and harder to cling to that peace when you are bombarded of images of nasty ass people who don't care about anything but themselves. And people wonder why other communities hate them and don't want them living anywhere in their neighborhood.. And it pisses you off because you are not like that and you get labeled along with the trash. I love my family really I do but part of me just wants to cut off al ties and pretend they don't exist. because if I just have myself to worry about maybe then I will get that peace I so desperately want.

Control your damn Kids

And people wonder why people do not like children and do not want to be around other folks bad ass kids!!! I find as I am getting older I am having less and less patience for a lot of things especially kids and their jerks for parents. Not all kids mind you just those kids who parents do not pay their precious darlings any attention while they are standing there destroying other people property!!! Pay some attention to your kid and not to your dumb girlfriend. Lord please help me cause one day I am just gonna lose it and just start beating people.

I just don't understand people I really don't. The world is just getting crappier by the day and stupid people are having stupid kids. And they wonder why folks ban children from coming into restaurants and other establishments.  All it takes is one rotten apple to spoil the whole damn bunch!!!

I am tired

As I sit here at my kitchen table I find myself at a emotional crossroads and I don't know what to do. I guess the drive by shooting that happen last nite that woke me up doesn't help. I am tired of dealing with humanity I am tired of other peoples problems. I am tired of living where I live. I am tired of my job and I and tired of my family. Why cant people do do the right damn thing for once. when I listen to my church going friends about how we are in the last days I truly believe it. People are just going plum crazy making things bad for people who didn't even do anything to them.

I wish I could just turn off my feelings and be a cold heartless bitch. But my curse is I care about stuff and people. And I think way too much about things that didnt happen yet. And about the next ten steps of a problem before you have finished with the first step of the problem. I am so ready to walk away from everything and just be some nameless person wandering the street or either go somewhere new and start all over. Now I understand why some people use drugs or drink and become alcoholics. Its to dull your functioning caring brain to shut down the voice in your head.

I am moving in a couple of weeks and I should be happy and I am not. why because I spend my time worrying about whats happening here at my old place. My family still lives there. while I am at my new place wondering did they remember to lock the door, check the basement. We live in a bad neighborhood. Seems like you cant win for losing and if your a caring person you are doubly screwed

I am standing before the "I dont give a fuck door" and I am so ready to open it!!!!

Pasha

One Rotten Apple

This blog is dedicated to all those who find themselves in a bad situation and see no way out. Who are doing everything they can to improve their lives and the lives of their families. But for some reason those around them who buck the norms and mores of society. Seem to be getting ahead while you are staying in place through no real fault of your own.  You work, pay taxes, obey the law, treat people the way you want to be treated. And yet you still are not where you want to be. You believe in honor, integrity, fairness, hardwork and kindness. Yet you still lag behind? Come with me on my journey as I say no more to the madness and yes to living life to the best of your ability. And under the terms of a positive environment and surrounded by positive people.


Here's to Happiness

Pasha